How Janeway Got Home
by wind5
Summary: Tuvok's wildly obsessed with Seven! Can Neelix help him win her over?


**Disclaimer:** Yes, I don't own these people!  We know!  I don't own anything!  We know!  Who wastes their time reading these disclaimers?  Why did I waste my time writing one?  Why am I_ still_ writing it?  Grrrr…

Captain Kathryn Janeway walked down the seemingly endless corridor that led to the Mess Hall.  Of course she wasn't really in a hurry to get there.  She had a splitting headache and, frankly, Neelix's cooking didn't sound like the best antidote.  But she needed to talk to Mr. Paris about some duty shifts that would be taking place next week, and it was his lunchtime.

            The doors _whooshed_ open and Janeway stepped through into what smelled like a dumpster.  She staggered back and nearly collapsed.

            Neelix ran up with a wide grin on his chubby face.

"Hello there, Captain!" Neelix said, unabashed.  "Say, you look like you could use some of my famous Simmering Scarab Stew!"

Rolling her eyes in disbelief, the Captain walked away and joined Tom and Harry at a table.

Neelix heard footsteps and turned to see Tuvok standing behind him.

"Mr. Neelix, I require your assistance," Tuvok said.

"With what?" Neelix asked enthusiastically.

"Seducing Seven of Nine.  I have noted that she is very appealing.  I need you to reveal all of your secrets, seeing as you are a successful chick magnet."

"Thank you, Mr. Vulcan," Neelix responded, grinning broadly, "I was wondering when someone would notice!"

"Yes.  Now tell me how I can efficiently lure Seven."

"All right," Neelix said.  "First things first.  I have a plan."

***

Late that night, as Seven of Nine was stepping into her alcove, she heard a rustling noise behind some crates.

"Who is there?" Seven called into the dimness beyond.

A _thump_ was heard in the darkness.

"State your designation!" Seven shouted.

Still no response.

"Computer, who is in Cargo Bay Two?" Seven yelled.

"Seven of Nine, Neelix, and Tuvok," the computer replied.

After a brief pause, Neelix and Tuvok stood up from behind some boxes.  "All right, you got us," Neelix said, raising both hands.

"Why were you hiding under cover of darkness?" Seven asked, looking at Tuvok.

"Well, actually it's not really darkness, it's just a very dim lighting, you know, because - "

"Mr. Neelix, if you do not shut the hell up and let Tuvok answer this question I will impale you with one of your prized cooking utensils.  Blood will efficiently squirt out of the wound in long, red, messy streams.  You will scream in anguish.  I will pull out the utensil and stab it through your head.  Your brains will slowly be squeezed out through the hole which I will have made."

Neelix sufficiently shut up, Tuvok continued on, "We were waiting for you to undress and perhaps shower.  I wanted to behold you nude."

"First of all there is no shower in this immediate vicinity," Seven said, apparently not perturbed.  "Secondly I do not require showers.  I can get as sweaty and stinky as I damn please."

"Understood.  Mr. Neelix, perhaps we should go."

"No," Seven countered.  "I have a great deal to say to you first."

"Yeah, well talk all you want, I'm getting out of here," Neelix said, and, pulling two aerosol cans of Leola Root Stew out from his belt, he sprayed them at Seven.  She dropped to the floor, unconscious.  Neelix ran off, hollering with laughter.

"Tuvok to the Doctor, we have a medical emergency.  Please beam Seven of Nine directly to sickbay."

The Doctor's agitated voice responded over the com, "I'm sorry, Tuvok, but only half of the transporter array is functioning!  You'll have to make a choice of which to beam, the head or the body!"

Tuvok looked Seven up and down for half a second.  "The body will be sufficient," he responded quickly.

Seven's body was beamed to sickbay.  Tuvok walked through the doors about a minute later.

"How is she?" he asked.

"I don't know," the Doctor said.

"Why not?" asked Tuvok.

"Why not?" the Doctor mimicked.  "How should I know?!  I'm a sex fanatic not a doctor!"

"Well maybe you had better switch professions - unless you'd rather spend the remainder of eternity in a holographic hell!" Tuvok shot back icily.

"All right," the Doctor said, picking up a tricorder and beginning to scan Seven.   "Hmm…the patient's head is missing.  Interesting.  Oh well, everything appears to be fine."

"Good," Tuvok said with a relieved sigh.  "May I take the body back to my quarters for…observation purposes?" he asked.

The hologram's face suddenly changed to an expression of horror.

"Most certainly not!" he shouted.  "Doctor to Captain Janeway!"

"Go ahead, Doctor," the Captain said through the com.

"Mr. Tuvok has become infatuated with Seven of Nine."

"That's the fourth time this has happened today," Janeway said, sighing.  "I guess Seven's just too sexy.  We'll have to think of something - I'll send a security team as soon as we do.  Janeway out."

The Doctor leaned against the wall and muttered, "Or I could perform that surgery I've been wanting to do."

"Surgery?" Tuvok questioned.

"Oh, it's an ingenious 'desexifying' surgery."  The Doctor pulled out a long, sharp hunting knife.  "Just chop off a few pieces here and there."

Tuvok's eyes widened.  "D-doctor," he stammered eagerly, "can I keep the - "

The security team - Harry Kim, Neelix and Chakotay - burst in.  "Are you Mr. Tuvok?" Harry Kim asked.

"No," Tuvok responded sarcastically.  "Come on, Harry, we've worked together for five years.  How dumb does one have to get before his stupidity becomes completely illogical?"

"Come on, Tuvok," Chakotay replied, "go easy on him.  He's contracted a rare Delta Quadrant disease that erases his memory every five seconds - no, your memory, Harry.  No, that's what you just asked me.  What?  I said - oh for goodness sake."  Chakotay shot Harry between the eyes.

"About time somebody taught that worthless pig a lesson," he said under his breath as Harry slumped to the floor, dead.  "Anyway," Chakotay continued, raising his voice again, "we know Seven has become somewhat of an obsession with the crew.  That's why we're introducing Three of Twelve, played by Angelina Jolie.  We're hoping she can rival Seven's…success, and perhaps detract some of Seven's…admirers.  If we can't beat those damn sex-starved crewmen, at least we can split their attention.  Regardless, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lock you up in the brig, my friend."

"Don't do that," said Tuvok.

"You didn't say the magic word," said Chakotay, eyes twinkling.

"Pretty please," Tuvok responded sweetly.

"Okay," said Chakotay.  "See ya."  He walked out of sickbay, the rest of the security team close behind.

Suddenly loud klaxons started blaring all over the ship.  "Computer, why are those klaxons blaring?"  the Doctor asked angrily.

"Mr. Neelix just farted," the computer responded.  "We are taking emergency precautions to make sure the gas is contained.  Evacuate decks 9-13 immediately."

"But Mr. Tuvok will escape!  He's a dangerous criminal and…oh what the hell.  Come on Tuvok!"

"Damn, Neelix must have really let it rip!" Tuvok said, jogging out of sickbay.  The Doctor followed after slapping on his mobile emitter.

"Toxicity update.  The evacuation has been extended to decks 3-15," the computer said.

"Do we even have a deck fifteen?" Tuvok asked.

"I wouldn't know," said the Doctor, finishing adjusting his mobile emitter.  "I'm kind of a couch potato.  After all, I can't get fat."

"All decks are now in immediate danger," the computer said.

Suddenly an enormous wall of gaseous flames leapt up behind Tuvok and the Doctor, searing through the ship and rapidly coming towards them.  Tuvok screamed at the top of his lungs, "Holy - " and was consumed by flames.

The entire ship exploded into flaming wreckage that shot across the galaxy.  Wonder of wonders - Janeway's head made it back to Earth (at least part of it).  It looks like she got home after all.  Hooray!


End file.
